My Little Girl is Turning 5!

Tomorrow Emma Leigh will turn five years old. Five years ago tonight Bryan and I were sitting in a hospital enjoying the time we had with Em's birth family. We would not trade that time for ANYTHING. Twenty-four hours later, we--well, me because Bryan had to suddenly leave the room--got to watch as our first baby girl entered the world. We heard her cry before we ever saw her, and the moment I laid eyes on her I knew my life would never be the same. The nurse carried her to the warmer, did the first APGAR, and then asked if I wanted to carry her to the nursery. What an amazing moment to be the first one to hold her. Tears streamed down my face as I walked from the operating room to the nursery of that small hospital. I stood in amazement as the nurse weighed her and measured her length. Six pounds, five ounces and already she'd made her home in my heart.

Fall is my absolute favorite time of year and it's mostly because of what God did during those five days we spent at the hospital before, during, and after Emma Leigh's birth. Check out last year's blog for more on that.

This year, as I was wrapping her birthday presents and writing in her card, I was overwhelmed with the beauty and talent God has blessed this little girl with. She has strikingly dark eyes that sparkle when she smiles, and her smile...it's so full of life and innocence. She can laugh and giggle until she is out of breath, and God has given her an amazing artistic ability. Our pediatrician even thinks she's "gifted" in this area--his words not mine. She can see things that I can't begin to. She is a wonderful big sister and has loved Lily Ana from the moment she laid eyes on her. She has many nicknames for her baby sister including Cupcake, Lillers, and Silly Ana. Emma Leigh is full of adoring affection for Lily Ana.

And despite the fact that her DNA contains none of my DNA she is incredibly like me! She makes facial expressions that I do; she says things that sound just like me; and she asks some of the same questions that I remember asking as a little girl. She wants to know how and why and when and where. But most of all, she sounds like me when she prays. What a humbling experience to hear your child pray and know that she is emulating what she hears!

My prayer for her is this..."Lord, grow her into a godly young lady who loves and fears you. Help her to make choices that are pleasing to you, and use her for your service."

I love you Emma Leigh! Happy 5th Birthday!

The Power of Intercession

WHEW! Whoever said going from one child to two children was like going from one to ten was wrong! It's like having 20! I haven't posted in a while, and the aforementioned twenty children would be the cause.

We have really struggled. Lily Ana has reflux, so we've spent many evenings holding a screaming baby; we've had many sleepless nights; and we're feeding cereal to a two month old so that she'll get all of the Prevacid ready-tab she's taking twice each day. We've wondered what happened to the baby we prayed for who coos and smiles and sleeps all night. We've wondered if she knows us; if she realizes we're her family. She tends to be very solemn most of the time, and at her two-month check up the nurse said, "O.K. So she's smiling and cooing now...?" And I had to say sadly, "No..." Dr. Mac reminded me that she was a preemie and that the reflux probably is causing a lot of discomfort. He said if she isn't smiling and cooing by four months, he'll want her to see a specialist to check for any delays. (GIANT SIGH) As if I don't have enough to worry about as a Mom!

My mom is so wonderful to call and check up on her granddaughters. One evening about three weeks ago when she called, Lily Ana was screaming. She was inconsolable. Nothing calmed her. She had a full tummy, dry diaper, calming lotion, and warm socks! Knowing that I couldn't talk on the phone, Mom quickly told me she loved me and reminded me that she and Dad pray for us every day. It felt so good to be reminded that my parents take the time to pray for my family. After we hung up I began thinking about my own quiet times with God. They have become so brief, and honestly, there have been days that I am so tired and so discouraged that I have not been able to pray.

Then last week I talked with one of the case workers at our wonderful adoption agency. Sara has been our case worker with both of our girls' adoptions, and she is a matter-of-fact, down-to-earth lady. I had called her a few days before to set up our three-month meeting with her at New Life, and she was returning my call. It had been an especially rough day, and I was feeling very low. She asked how I was, and I began pouring out my heart to her. She was so understanding and her words so comforting to me. Before we hung up I asked her to please pray for me, and she assured me that she would.

The very next day I began to feel such peace. Lily Ana had begun smiling little smiles and making soft little sounds, but in the last week she has begun smiling so much. And I love the quiet moments where she makes tiny little sounds that I know are her way of communicating love to me. Her little personality is really beginning to develop, and I'm soaking it all up. I have yet to get a GOOD picture of it, but I've gotten a little glimpse to share.


Over the weekend, we got to get away for a few days. We all four went to San Antonio and to Sea World. As we traveled, I thought about the prayers that had been lifted up for my family and me. I felt like I really understood intercession. People who cared about me had prayed on my behalf. They had prayed for my needs at a time when I couldn't. What a blessing to be loved so dearly by family and friends, but what a bigger blessing to be loved by the Creator God!

The Ties that Bind

What a roller coaster of emotions we've experienced the last month and a half! Just when we got to the top of a hill, we came plunging down only to twist and turn and climb and fall some more! We've experienced joy and grief--the top and the bottom of the roller coaster and everything in between! And some days, it's all come at the same time!

Adoption itself is a roller coaster ride! When we brought Lily Ana home from New Life back in July, I was honestly in a state of shock. I couldn't cry; I couldn't laugh; I couldn't do much of anything. I kept looking at this little stranger thinking, "Is this for real? Is this really what we've been waiting all this time for?" I didn't feel the instant connection with Lily Ana that I remembered feeling with Emma Leigh. Things were so different. At the point that we first laid eyes on Lily Ana, we had already been with Emma Leigh and her birth family for four full days!

It seemed so strange to be bringing home this little helpless person who we didn't know and who didn't know us! I saw grief in her eyes. I saw grief in the way she wouldn't look into our eyes. I felt her grief for her birhthmom whose voice she had come to know as comforting but no longer heard. It was strange to know that someone this tiny at just a month old was experiencing an emotion that some go their whole lives without knowing.

Even I had never experienced grief the way that my own child was experiencing. I had never lost anyone close to me. Sure I had friends who had moved away and saw other friends grieve over deaths of loved ones. And I know I shared in the grief that Emma Leigh's birthmom felt during the days that we spent with her at the hospital. But to grieve over the death of someone close to me was foreign, something I had never experienced. Until last week that is.

My Grandpa Grimes fell and broke his leg the day that Lily Ana turned one week old. I had taken her the day before to meet him and Grandma, and I'm so thankful that I did. He held her and looked at her toes and said, "Hello Little One," in that sweet drawl of his. He was nervous about holding her because he hadn't been feeling well and was pretty weak. I stood very close to him, and assured him that she was safe in his arms.

My mom was at the house the next day when the call came that Grandpa had fallen and was being taken by ambulance to the hospital. They thought he'd broken one or perhaps both hips. Something inside of me knew right then that Grandpa would never come home. Each winter he was one of the elderly most at risk for contracting the flu and pneumonia, but God continued to give him health, healing, and life. I knew though that if he ever got down, he probably wouldn't make it back up.

The next days were a whirlwind of tests to see if his heart was strong enough to withstand surgery on the broken femur just below the hip joint. In doing these tests, doctors determined he had 100 percent blockage in the major artery on the right side of his neck which accounted for the weakness, dizziness, and fainting he'd experienced in the days before his fall. Surgery would have to be done on this before it could be done on the leg, and it would have to be done quickly.

Following the surgery, he was placed in ICU. Over the next week, he was placed on life support and a feeding tube, and we thought for sure each day would be his last. He did have the surgery on his leg, and had to receive several units of blood afterward. He was eventually moved from the hospital to a long-term care facility nearby where it is believed he aspirated and the pneumonia in his lungs continued to get worse. We were all called in one morning because his breathing had become so poor and oxygen levels so low that the long-term care facility had rushed him back to the hospital.

He was readmitted to ICU, placed back on life support and a feeding tube, and the next days were filled with difficult decisions. The nurses seemed to be more optimistic than things appeared, and on the morning of August 24th, Grandma decided that he'd been through enough. She wanted the ventilator removed. After doing this, his feeding tube was moved from his nose to his mouth and was moved to a regular room where he would be made comfortable, and we could wait for the inevitable. Sometime that day, he became more alert and asked that the feeding tube be taken out of his throat because it was so irritating to him. He began talking to those that were there, and he was awake almost the entire day. My aunt even fed him a small amount of pudding after he asked, "Where's my supper?" Many of us got to go see him and talk with him. I was one of those and will cherish that little bit of time I got to see him that evening.

That night the nurses gave him something to help him relax and go to sleep. He never woke up. The next day his breathing became more and more labored, and that evening most of my family gathered at the hospital to say goodbye to the patriarch of our family. We cried lots of tears, and I especially was heartbroken when Emma Leigh said to him, "Bye Grandpa. I love you." It was very hard to leave that night knowing that we would probably never see him alive again.

Early the next morning, my mom called to tell me that he had gone to be with Jesus just after midnight. The next few days were filled with family and tears. We spent time at my Grandma's house and at the funeral home, and I grieved quietly for the Grandpa that I'd lost. I sat and rocked my little Lily Ana and clung to both of my girls. I recalled wonderful memories of the Grandpa that I loved so much. I heard his voice say to me, "Well hello, Hayley," in his sweet, soft, calming drawl.

His funeral was amazing! The service began with Bryan singing "The Anchor Holds." In the days since, I have realized that Grandpa was a lot like that anchor in the song. He was such a rock in my life. He was constant and steady. He was always there. Our family was very close because of the love that he and Grandma had for each other and for each of us. They are the tie that binds us all together.

And in the days since the funeral, I have come to look at Lily Ana differently. I don't see her as a stranger now. I see her as a little tiny person who needs me and who depends on me for her every need to be met. We have a bond that cannot be broken. And just like Grandpa was a rock in my life--a constant steadiness--she needs that from me. It seems strange, but I now realize grief has bound us together. It took me experiencing loss to feel love for my sweet little baby. What a gift!

It's Been Three Weeks...

Tomorrow Lily Ana will be three weeks old, and yes, we are extremely sleep-deprived! We are falling more and more in love with her everyday, and her big sister is so sweet to her.

Em was explaining to me why she likes the show "3, 2, 1 Penguins," and we began discussing that the two human characters are twins. She wanted to know what twins were, and I explained that they were brothers or sisters who were in their mommy's tummy at the same time. She got a big smile and said, "I was in a birthmom's tummy and so was Lily Ana!" I realized what a connection the two of them will have because they were both "in a birthmom's tummy!" God is good!

Remember...

It has happened! God has added another baby girl to our family! Lily Ana Faith was born on Thursday, and we were able to bring her home on Saturday! What an amazing day it was--full of raw emotion to say the least. We met Lily Ana's birthmom only twice before the day she so selflessly placed her tiny, helpless little body in our arms and hearts. On that day we experienced joy & sadness; exhilaration & heartache; and most of all love. And what a day it was!

With Lily Ana's placement in our home, I've been much more aware of the ignorance of people when it comes to adoption. I don't mean that in a callous way, but in the way that ignorance is simply "not knowing" about something. Several people have said to me, "I just don't know how anyone could GIVE this baby away!" I've just looked at them in disbelief. If only they could have been there. If only they could have seen the red, swollen eyes of a sweet young lady who'd been crying for hours before and will continue to cry for hours, days, months, and even years after placement. If only they could have seen the tear stains on Lily Ana's blanket--the blanket that her birthmom chose for her and slept with so that she would continue to know her smell when she came home with us. If only...

The choice was not one to give this baby AWAY, but instead it was to give this baby MORE. Lily Ana's birthmom prayed over her decision for months. She agonized over profiles of families and didn't find the one she was looking for. While she was praying, we were also praying. We prayed daily for God to give us THE baby He wanted us to have, not just any baby, but THE baby. And as the Holy Spirit so perfectly does, He laid it on the hearts of the sweet, wise ladies at New Life to show this birthmom one more profile--ours. And then there was peace. She knew. We knew. He knew.

And now here we are, still filled with so many emotions. Ours is joy and excitement and happiness, and Lily Ana's birthmom is still filled with so many emotions too. I pray that she is experiencing peace about her decision, but she is certainly still feeling sorrow and grief and misery. I know many of you have sent us messages of congratulations, and I know that many of you will do that once you read this. Thank you for that, and thank you for praying for us as we've walked this portion of our journey.

I have one request of you however. Remember the love felt on the day we brought Lily Ana home? It was the love of an adoptive family for the sweet birthmom placing her baby in their arms and for the new baby being welcomed into their hearts. But most of all, it was the love of a birthmom for the precious baby girl she carried in her womb. And with that love comes so much pain, so much heartache, so much grief. Remember her. Remember her selflessness. And remember to pray for her.

Feels Like...

Well, it feels like a lot of things right about now--the first being that it feels like I haven't blogged in quite a while! It's not for having nothing to write about, it's just that we've been so busy with all that summer brings! My sweet friend Erin motivated me to get writing though! I don't know if it was so much what she said, although it was very sweet, or just that I know at least ONE person reads this, but either way, I'm ready to write!

It also feels like I've accomplished a thing or two! I've painted the living room, entry way, and two small hallways Behr Gobi Desert thanks to help from Bryan and my dad, and I've painted all of the pulls on the doors and drawers in the bathroom and kitchen so that they are no longer an old, tarnished-looking brass! They are now a Rustoleum Hammered Finish Brown, and they do look great! I still have some door knobs throughout the house to go, but I'm pretty excited about how they are turning out! I've also done a little scrapbooking. I am officially now only one year behind! I just finished scrapbooking our trip to the Frio River last summer on the Fourth of July. It could be worse, right?

Despite the heat making it feel like it's 120 degrees outside, it feels like summer for other reasons too! We got to take a little trip to San Antonio for a few days and spent some time at Sea World. Emma Leigh loved it! She is at a really good age for enjoying the rides and the shows. She rode her first roller coaster and got to feed a dolphin! God was so gracious in so many ways on our trip! Bryan took care of all of our reservations and tickets, and he bought us each a Fun Pass so we can visit as many times as we want until the end of the year. As we paid our $15 for parking the first evening we were there, the attendant suggested we upgrade just one of our tickets to a Season Pass, so that we would not have to pay parking each time we visit. When we upgraded, they gave us our $15 back in the form of a voucher, a book of coupons to use in the park, and a cool Sea World refillable cup! The only souvenir Em wanted was a dolphin that only cost us $4.99 because of the voucher, and we were able to fill the cup we got with ice water for FREE! And then there was the little "Hedge of Protection" He provided when about four vehicles were broken into at our hotel, one nearly stolen outside our window, and our truck was not one of them! God was so good to us!

My sister Amy just had her first precious baby girl, so I'm feeling like a new aunt these days! I helped her decorate the nursery, and it turned out so pretty! We made these cute canvases to hang on one wall of the nursery, and we painted letters and flowers for two other walls. Briley Mischelle arrived Tuesday weighing only 6 lbs., 8 oz. I saw her today, and she's down to 6 lbs.!! She's so tiny, but she's so perfect!


I've always loved taking pictures, and I feel like I have a feel for some creativity with photography. Amy let me take belly shots of her, and of course I have a great little model that lives with me! It's been fun experimenting with my camera, and I've captured some pretty awesome moments!

And then there's the feeling that prompted me to begin writing this post a few weeks back. The whole "Feels Like..." title comes from the Michael English song, "Feels Like Redemption." My very first blog post, written almost a year ago, ended with these words...

"I find myself, at this point in my life though, needing a reminder from God about delighting myself. I'm busy being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, granddaughter, and teacher. My time is consumed with things far from the things God showed me meant "delighting." So my prayer is that this blog not only allows me to share my life experiences with others, but that it will help me to remember to give Him my all!"

My life had become so consumed with doing and being and living that my relationship with the Lord had become hazy. At another point in my life, I'd been in the same place. I taught at a school where gossip, malice, and bitterness were a part of the norm on my team. I fell into a pattern of gossiping myself and hated going to work everyday. The end result, after months of back-stabbing and placing blame, was a huge argument with someone who I thought had been one of my best friends. I was deeply hurt and did not return to teaching at that school the following year. I have carried with me hurt and anger and have allowed that argument to define who I am. My deepest regret of all from the situation was that I had tarnished my Christian witness to people there.

When I began using Facebook, I searched regularly for my friend who I'd had the argument with, but I could never find her. Several weeks ago, I found her through another friend's profile! I excitedly sent her a friend request, and she quickly replied with a message saying, "I hope you know that I think highly of you. I have few regrets in life, but our argument is one of them." I almost cried, not from sadness, but from relief. I had not mentioned the disagreement we'd had out of fear, but the Lord had taken what could have been a terrible situation and reopened a door for me to show what He has done in my life during the past three years. I'm so thankful for forgiveness, for redemption, and for grace! What an amazing God we serve!

Summertime

Every time I write the word summertime, all I can think of is Country Time Lemonade! I enjoy summer not just because I don't have to get up early each day, but because of the time that I have to spend doing whatever I want or need to do. Usually I have a list in my head--or written down--of things I want to accomplish over the summer. And it usually takes me about three weeks to wind down, get settled into a summer schedule, and begin accomplishing my to-do list. By that time I'm busy directing our church's Vacation Bible School and before I know it July is over! As we all know school starts in August, so that doesn't leave me much time to check things off of my list. I usually end the summer feeling a real sense of disappointment in myself and the things left undone.

Last week, after I finished up at school on Monday, Emma Leigh and I got to spend the whole week together. We ate lunch with Bryan one day. We spent another day with my sisters and nieces. Another day we just stayed home and cleaned house at a nice, slow pace. It was so refreshing to not be on any particular schedule and to get to spend so much time with Em. This weekend though, I started making my summertime list of things to do in my head, and I began feeling that sense of disappointment already!

I was feeling sorry for myself because I don't always get everything done that I'd like to. Since Bryan is a teacher too, he's off with Em and me during the summer. This sometimes puts quite a crimp in my plans! We enjoy doing things together, but our schedules don't always mesh! And I end up feeling miserable because I don't get to do what I want. (Sounds a little childish now that it's in writing!)

So today, we got up and went to work-out at 8:00 a.m. despite the whiny "I don't want to" coming from Emma Leigh. My sister met us there, and she and I got to work out and talk together. It was very refreshing! Afterward Bryan, Em, and myself ran errands together, and then came home for our first official summertime lunch together! That too was refreshing! On the way home I thought to myself, "Maybe this summer is going to turn out to be more productive than I had first imagined!"

On my to-do list is purchasing a new camera; taking lots of pictures with my new camera; painting all of the hardware in my bathrooms and kitchen; getting caught up on my scrapbooking; cleaning closets; and painting the living room. I bought the camera today and have painted the pulls on my bathroom cabinets and drawers! I'm off to a good start already!

I want to wake up every morning this summer saying, "This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it!" I want to experience joy rather than defeat! I want to be able to enjoy every moment rather than dreading the end of summertime! And I just might drink some of that Country Time Lemonade as I sit and relax!