A Year of Celebration and Loss

Where has the last year gone? As I sat rocking Lily Ana yesterday, I wondered that. She turned one almost three weeks ago, and as I sat looking at her sweet little cheeks, I thought about all that has transpired in the last year. Our family has experienced more ups and downs in the past year than I think we did in the four years prior.

Lily's birthday is of course an obvious reminder of the heartache that my family felt when my grandpa passed away. You may remember that he fell and broke his hip when Lily was just one week old. For the next month, we watched and waited, celebrated small improvements, and gathered together for his last hours here on Earth. It was one of those times in my life that I didn't know how low I was until I had been lifted back up months later.

Then in December, we were told that I would be losing my job! The news that our school was closing came as no real shock, but it took some time to process the great impact our family would feel. We thought that maybe God was giving me the opportunity to do something different--perhaps even get to stay home full-time. We prayed continually that if He wanted me to do that, that He would provide a way financially.

As time went on, we realized that God was answering that prayer with a "no." But like God does, He provided something we weren't expecting. Three years ago a teaching opportunity came to me that seemed like it was everything I could ever ask for. It was a substantial pay increase, benefits, and so much more! The one draw-back was that Emma Leigh wouldn't have been able to attend preschool, and I wanted very much for her to have that experience. I turned the job down and just knew something like that would never come along again.

When school was out this past year, I had interviewed at a local Christian school that seemed the ideal place to be, but then someone else was hired for the position. All hope of me finding a job that would be good for my family seemed lost. Bryan gently reminded me that I needed to find something as it seemed that God was not making a way for me to stay home. One Tuesday evening I finally logged onto the Conroe ISD Job Line, and marveled at what I found. The same position I had turned down three years earlier was posted at a different school but by the same principal who happened to be a friend of mine.

After an e-mail and several missed and returned phone calls, I had an interview and was offered the job! God has provided for us immensely through this job. It's very different from anything I've ever done, but I know that God is going to give me the knowledge that I need to carry it out.

As I sat rocking Lily the other day, I was reminded of God's provision and that hand of providence that I wrote about in June. He has brought us joy in the midst of sadness; provision during a time of uncertainty; and He has given me two beautiful daughters to call my own. He has been with us during the celebrations and the losses. What a year it's been!

The Hand of Providence

This is another one of those posts that I've been composing in my head for a very long time. The neat thing is that God just keeps confirming my thoughts over and over again! During the last four to six months, the words hands of providence keep coming to my mind. Through circumstances and trials, I have continually thought of those words. I finally looked up the word and found a definition that blew me away. It said, "a manifestation of God's foresightful care for his creatures." When I read that, I couldn't believe how that completely justified and confirmed all that I'd been relating to those words hands of providence.

This past Tuesday our church had our first Vacation Bible School workday of the summer. I usually co-direct VBS and teach a Missions class, but this year, God has provided lots of workers and I'm not teaching the Missions class. A precious lady named Ms. Linda is teaching it for us, and I had the great privilege of talking with her on Tuesday. We found out that we have many common interests--teaching, writing, and Texas history just to name a few. She commented that we were kindred spirits!

But then the conversation turned to things more spiritual. We talked about how God has worked in our lives in providential ways. Ms. Linda and I both made a decision to follow Jesus at the ripe old age of 9, but we agreed that we didn't fully understand the working of God in our lives until we were much older. Ms. Linda shared that it was after losing her father, her husband, and being diagnosed with cancer that she saw how God was preparing things ahead of time for her well-fare.

At the time she was diagnosed, she had no medical insurance and was six months away from being able to qualify for Medicare. When she was told she'd need surgery and possibly radiation or chemotherapy, she expressed her concern with a medical professional. This person explained to her that the state legislature had just passed a law granting aid to women diagnosed with her type of cancer who had no medical insurance. Of course, as we all know, the bill that was passed had not just happened. It had been in the works for many, many months, possibly even years. Every last penny of her medical treatment was covered through this program! She commented that of course it had not been done just for her, but I was quick to remind her that it was! We marveled at the providential care and concern of our Lord. I compared His working in our lives to a thread, weaving its way through our lives before we even know we are in need.

Over the past months, God has been showing me where that thread has been in my life. Our journeys through infertility and the adoption of our beautiful little girls are such testimonies to the workings of God. He knew before Bryan and I even desired to start a family that we would be faced with the heart-wrenching tour through the land of barrenness. He also knew which children would be ours. He knew that their birthmoms would face the difficult decisions of placing them with us. Those decisions were a part of the tapestry of our lives being woven by the hand of providence.

God has also shown me that because of His providential care, I don't have to worry about the future! I was told last December that the teaching position I have held for the past four years was being eliminated for the 2010-2011 school year. The elementary portion of First Baptist Academy was closing. Depending on who you asked and when you asked, the reasons were varied and often vague. It became impossible to know who to trust and whose motives to question. I went through a period of shock and confusion. I was angry that the decisions of seemingly one or two people could cause such drastic change for my family and the families of the academy. I was bitter, and I was deeply saddened by the loss I knew I would feel and the loss that those around me were feeling.

And then I was worried and anxious and filled with questions. Where would I work? How would our family make it financially? Did the Lord want me to stay at home? Did He want me to return to public school or did He want me to continue to work at a private Christian school? What about the education of our girls? On Memorial Day, with the help of my dad and husband, I moved all of my things home from my classroom and each time I have walked into the garage the boxes have glared at me, reminding me that I don't know what the future holds for them or me!

But that thread has never stopped moving. God continues to weave that tapestry of my life, and He has provided for my family and me. I have gotten a job starting in the Fall, and I'll share where and how it came to be when all of the details are confirmed. I'm excited about where the hand of providence will guide me.

Providence, providence
See it laying down the cornerstone
The hand of providence, it's evident
For we could never make it on our own

Apportioning the power
Weighing all that it entails
Giving us the fulcrum
And a balance to the scales

Providence, ever since
Any thesis ever entered man
The hand of providence
Has been our best defense
Tho' his ways are sometimes hard to understand

From the dying of a hearbeat
To another soul reborn
From in between and circling
Our thoughts of love and war

Oh, the hand of providence
Is guiding us through choices that we make
Oh, the hand of providence
Is reaching out to help us on our way

Written by Michael W. Smith

Reflecting

We received word on Saturday morning that a dear friend of ours had left this world and gone to be with her Heavenly Father. She had fallen and broken her hip nearly a month ago, and in very similar circumstances to my grandfather, had been in ICU on a ventilator.

For the past couple of days, I've been reading on Facebook what others have posted about her influence in their lives. One sweet friend talked about the ripple-effect that her prayers and life had. Another spoke of the five couples who are now serving in ministry positions because of her influence. I have tried to count them up, and I think I get six--Brian and Tiff; Josh and Erin; Eric and Donnell; Keith and Shawn; Alex and Nichole; Bryan and myself. I did not attend the church where Mrs. Pat attended, but I do remember her smiling face being at many, many youth camps that I attended. She had a heart for generations younger than her, and she faithfully served as a teacher and mentor to many girls my age.

The thought that continues to run through my mind though has to do with that ripple-effect. You see, Pat's youngest son and my husband were best friends. Bryan was raised in the Catholic church, but Pat's son John invited him to go to church with their family. I am certain that Mrs. Pat prayed for my husband's salvation, and as a result of her family's influence in his life, he became a Christian at the age of 14. He continued to attend church with this family and later on his own. Had it not been for the prayers of this godly woman, my husband may not have become the man he is today.

But the ripple goes farther than that. Because the churches we both attended years ago participated in events and activities together, we came to know each other, dated, and of course, ultimately married. And now we are raising our two girls to know and love the Lord. So Mrs. Pat's influence didn't stop with Bryan. It continues to move outward to our little family, and in time, it will move to the lives that our daughters touch. What a legacy!

It's Been Way Too Long...

Believe it or not, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth! And even more unbelievable is the fact that I have wanted to post many, many things over the last three months, but it just hasn't happened. It's amazing how much of my time is consumed by two little people! This evening though Lily Ana is asleep in the swing and Em is watching Tinkerbell.

I keep calling into the living room to ask Emma Leigh if she's asleep and her reply each time is, "Yes..." I can just see the sparkle that I know is there in her eyes when she says it. She has become quite the little comedienne. I'm sure I don't know where she gets that from being Bryan Rasco's daughter and all! She is telling jokes right and left now. Her latest favorite is..."What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel, and Clifford? HOT DIGGETY DOG!" And even though we've now heard it at least 672 times, we still laugh because her sense of humor is so genuine and that sparkle in her gigantic, beautiful brown eyes just makes us melt. She's becoming so independent and more and more determined to be her own little person each day!

My sweet little Lily Ana is growing and changing too. She is nearly seven months old, and she has two cute, sharp little teeth right smack dab in the middle on the bottom. She laughs all the time, and her countenance visibly changes when she sees her big sister! One evening last week while we ate dinner, she sat playing in her bouncy seat near the table. As she was cooing and blowing very wet bubbles, I looked at her and said, "Where's Daddy?" She immediately turned and looked across the table at Bryan. He then said, "Where's Mommy?" and she turned back to me. I couldn't resist and said, "Where's your sister? Where's Emmie?" Without hesitation, she turned to face Emma Leigh. All three of us squealed with delight!

What a blessing these two girls are to us! During the month of January--Sanctity of Human Life Month--I thought a lot about how God so perfectly chose these two lives to become part of mine and Bryan's lives. Before He formed the universe, He knew that they would be grafted into our family. In January I listened to the two-day Focus on the Family radio programs about Abby Johnson, the Planned Parenthood director from Bryan/College Station whose life was transformed during the 40 Days for Life campaign in 2009. Focus on the Family also aired the unforgettable story of Jacqueline Ivel who tearfully shared her story of nearly being persuaded, as a young teen, to have a partial-birth abortion but chose instead to give birth and parent her child.

I've never considered myself to be much of an activist. Oh, I have opinions--strong ones. And I am outspoken, but I've not ever acted much on my convictions. I have always been straightforward with people concerning my pro-life stance, but it struck me during the month of January that as the mother of two precious lives, I should be doing more to spread the word that adoption is the most wonderful option for a birthmom who is not yet ready to parent her unborn child.

Every day I am able to gaze into the eyes of my two daughters and see bright futures because of birthmoms who chose to give them life. I am able to listen to the giggles and coos of these two beautiful girls because their birthmoms chose what did not come easy. They could have taken the "safe, easy" way out, but they chose to carry to term the life growing inside of them. They chose to endure labor and delivery of a child they knew they would not hold each day. Through deep, unselfish devotion, they chose to give life to their children.

I was looking at Emma Leigh this morning in church as she slept on my lap. I traced my finger along her dark eyebrows and ran my knuckles down her thick hairline. She looks nothing like I do, but never has there been a moment during her lifetime that I have considered her anything but my child--a gift of love to me when her birthmom chose life for her.

Then at the end of this morning's service we watched a video about the 40 Days for Life campaign that starts this week. I could sense God speaking to me about being a part of this. I don't know yet what part I'll play, but I know God wants me to do more. I am going to be seeking His plan for me. Pray about how He would have you be a part of the miracle of adoption!

What Adoption Is

Six years ago this month, Bryan and I were at the end of a 5 year infertility journey, and we were beginning a much longer, often more difficult, journey into adoption. Through this journey we have learned so much and have had our faith shaken and strengthened, shaken and strengthened over and over again.

Before we began this journey of ours, we often looked at adoption and shook our heads. Like many of you, we saw pictures of orphanages in foreign countries, and we thought, "What a tragedy?" We thought of birthmoms and wondered, "How could a mother give her child up? How could she just give her child away?" We have come to discover though that this is not even close to what it's about. Adoption is so much more. It's about a birthmom giving her child life--giving her child more. It's about her making a selfless choice to allow someone else to raise her child and call that child their own. It's about sacrificing her desires for the well-being of her child.

And we've learned much more about adoption. When we brought Emma Leigh home from the hospital we felt like we knew her inside and out, and we joyfully came home late that Sunday night to a houseful of family and smiles and gloriously happy tears. With Lily Ana though, we've learned that adoption isn't always a joyful experience. When we brought her home, we carried a grieving baby who we'd known less than two hours into our home. We saw loss and sadness in her eyes as she searched for anything familiar--faces, sounds, smells, and most of all her birthmother.

Adoption is coming to love a child that isn't your own flesh and blood and DNA. It's wondering how you could love another child any more than you love the one given to you. It's forgetting that this child wasn't formed inside you and grieving for the loss of never knowing what it will be like to carry life in your womb.

And then we've learned that adoption is waiting and waiting and waiting some more. It's waiting for God to give you the heart for adoption. It's waiting for Him to give a birthmom a baby that she loves but knows she can't care for. It's waiting for a birthmom to choose your family to love and nurture her baby. It's waiting for the child to be born. It's waiting for the birthmom to make her final decision. It's waiting for the child to recognize you as her mother. It's waiting for God to do His amazing work of grafting that child into your family just as He so graciously does with us. Adoption is a perfect picture of what the Lord has done for us in selflessly giving His son for us. Through Jesus Christ, God has grafted us into His family.

Despite the pain, grief, and loss felt with it, adoption is a miracle. The birth of any child is a miracle, but knowing that God has specifically chosen these children of ours to be ours, is even more of a miracle. He has placed Emma Leigh and Lily Ana into our lives for a purpose. He has chosen these two children out of many, many others. We are honored to be their parents and pray each day that God will give us the strength, wisdom, and knowledge to raise them to be godly young women. November is Adoption Awareness Month, and I hope that you will allow God to speak to you about what part you will have in the miracle of adoption.

My Little Girl is Turning 5!

Tomorrow Emma Leigh will turn five years old. Five years ago tonight Bryan and I were sitting in a hospital enjoying the time we had with Em's birth family. We would not trade that time for ANYTHING. Twenty-four hours later, we--well, me because Bryan had to suddenly leave the room--got to watch as our first baby girl entered the world. We heard her cry before we ever saw her, and the moment I laid eyes on her I knew my life would never be the same. The nurse carried her to the warmer, did the first APGAR, and then asked if I wanted to carry her to the nursery. What an amazing moment to be the first one to hold her. Tears streamed down my face as I walked from the operating room to the nursery of that small hospital. I stood in amazement as the nurse weighed her and measured her length. Six pounds, five ounces and already she'd made her home in my heart.

Fall is my absolute favorite time of year and it's mostly because of what God did during those five days we spent at the hospital before, during, and after Emma Leigh's birth. Check out last year's blog for more on that.

This year, as I was wrapping her birthday presents and writing in her card, I was overwhelmed with the beauty and talent God has blessed this little girl with. She has strikingly dark eyes that sparkle when she smiles, and her smile...it's so full of life and innocence. She can laugh and giggle until she is out of breath, and God has given her an amazing artistic ability. Our pediatrician even thinks she's "gifted" in this area--his words not mine. She can see things that I can't begin to. She is a wonderful big sister and has loved Lily Ana from the moment she laid eyes on her. She has many nicknames for her baby sister including Cupcake, Lillers, and Silly Ana. Emma Leigh is full of adoring affection for Lily Ana.

And despite the fact that her DNA contains none of my DNA she is incredibly like me! She makes facial expressions that I do; she says things that sound just like me; and she asks some of the same questions that I remember asking as a little girl. She wants to know how and why and when and where. But most of all, she sounds like me when she prays. What a humbling experience to hear your child pray and know that she is emulating what she hears!

My prayer for her is this..."Lord, grow her into a godly young lady who loves and fears you. Help her to make choices that are pleasing to you, and use her for your service."

I love you Emma Leigh! Happy 5th Birthday!

The Power of Intercession

WHEW! Whoever said going from one child to two children was like going from one to ten was wrong! It's like having 20! I haven't posted in a while, and the aforementioned twenty children would be the cause.

We have really struggled. Lily Ana has reflux, so we've spent many evenings holding a screaming baby; we've had many sleepless nights; and we're feeding cereal to a two month old so that she'll get all of the Prevacid ready-tab she's taking twice each day. We've wondered what happened to the baby we prayed for who coos and smiles and sleeps all night. We've wondered if she knows us; if she realizes we're her family. She tends to be very solemn most of the time, and at her two-month check up the nurse said, "O.K. So she's smiling and cooing now...?" And I had to say sadly, "No..." Dr. Mac reminded me that she was a preemie and that the reflux probably is causing a lot of discomfort. He said if she isn't smiling and cooing by four months, he'll want her to see a specialist to check for any delays. (GIANT SIGH) As if I don't have enough to worry about as a Mom!

My mom is so wonderful to call and check up on her granddaughters. One evening about three weeks ago when she called, Lily Ana was screaming. She was inconsolable. Nothing calmed her. She had a full tummy, dry diaper, calming lotion, and warm socks! Knowing that I couldn't talk on the phone, Mom quickly told me she loved me and reminded me that she and Dad pray for us every day. It felt so good to be reminded that my parents take the time to pray for my family. After we hung up I began thinking about my own quiet times with God. They have become so brief, and honestly, there have been days that I am so tired and so discouraged that I have not been able to pray.

Then last week I talked with one of the case workers at our wonderful adoption agency. Sara has been our case worker with both of our girls' adoptions, and she is a matter-of-fact, down-to-earth lady. I had called her a few days before to set up our three-month meeting with her at New Life, and she was returning my call. It had been an especially rough day, and I was feeling very low. She asked how I was, and I began pouring out my heart to her. She was so understanding and her words so comforting to me. Before we hung up I asked her to please pray for me, and she assured me that she would.

The very next day I began to feel such peace. Lily Ana had begun smiling little smiles and making soft little sounds, but in the last week she has begun smiling so much. And I love the quiet moments where she makes tiny little sounds that I know are her way of communicating love to me. Her little personality is really beginning to develop, and I'm soaking it all up. I have yet to get a GOOD picture of it, but I've gotten a little glimpse to share.


Over the weekend, we got to get away for a few days. We all four went to San Antonio and to Sea World. As we traveled, I thought about the prayers that had been lifted up for my family and me. I felt like I really understood intercession. People who cared about me had prayed on my behalf. They had prayed for my needs at a time when I couldn't. What a blessing to be loved so dearly by family and friends, but what a bigger blessing to be loved by the Creator God!