Saturday, May 16, 2009

In the Waiting, He's in Control

To say the last month has been a busy one would be putting things too lightly! And that would not begin to scratch the surface of the roller coaster ride that it seems our family has ridden! For several weeks I've wanted to write my feelings and thoughts here, but I just couldn't find the right words. It took an overnight field trip with my fourth graders to make me finally realize what God has been trying to say to me in the midst of all that has happened.

Many of you know our story. You know that God allowed us to adopt a tiny baby girl who has grown into a smart, funny, beautiful preschooler. Many of you also know that nearly a year ago we began the journey toward adopting a second child. We have felt such peace in knowing that God already has another birthmother and baby picked out for us and that in His perfect time He will allow our families to unite. In fact, we were chosen by a sweet little birthmom named Frances, but after the birth of her tiny little baby boy, she chose to parent him. We were of course a little saddened, but in a sense we were relieved. I had begun to worry about timing and issues with this baby's birthfather, and so I actually felt peace when Frances chose to nurture this little life. Since then, our agency has shown our profile to two other birthmoms, and we know that God's time is perfect.

The past month has also brought about uncertainty in more areas than our family. My job has been a source of great concern for me too. Teaching at a private school does not come with the stability of teaching in the public school system. I've spent countless days worrying over whether or not I will actually have a job next school year. I know that getting a teaching position elsewhere would not be difficult, but I love where I am. God has allowed me to teach in a setting where I have had the privilege of leading two students to Christ, and Emma Leigh is able to attend school there where she is learning so many wonderful things. So I've been thinking about other career choices. I love taking pictures. Could I do something with photography? I love scrapbooking. Could I help people with their albums? I enjoy organizing and planning. Is there something there? But again, I know that God is in control, and that He has a plan for my career and family.

I've also watched more than one marriage begin to crumble. I have several friends who have been struggling with their marital relationships, and it has broken my heart to see what they are encountering. Seeing families close to me being ripped apart by Satan's schemes causes me to feel angry and immensely saddened. God's plan is for families to serve Him and honor Him, but once again I know that God has all things in His control.

And then I went on this field trip with my class. I received a generous grant that allowed us to take the trip, so I have spent months planning, not wanting to spend more money than we were given. But things began going wrong from the very beginning. We arrived in Austin an hour later than planned; our lunch spot could not accommodate us; and then there was the hotel! Upon arrival, we were told that we would be expected to pay state and city taxes, an expense we were not supposed to pay, and that the water would be off for about an hour as it was being maintained. In addition, the abrupt young lady who was assisting me told me that they no longer serve free breakfast because their status had been updated to a "full" hotel.

The next day, our bus battery was dead when we attempted to start it. The small museum we were to tour could not accommodate us at the time we had planned due to being double booked by larger groups, and a minor mishap with parallel parking our bus resulted in a mirror being ripped from a charter bus. My thoughts were, "What more could go wrong?"

On the way home, I prayed, "God what do you want to show me in all of this?" As I drove, I began singing quietly and trying to clear my mind. I began to realize that God was showing me that He is in control. You see, through a failed placement, uncertainty in my job, and faltering marriages, I have known that God was in control, but in each of these situations there is nothing I can do to change things. On this trip though, I was in control. I was in charge. I had done the planning. I had made the reservations. It was about what I had done. God showed me that despite all of my planning, He was still in control.

So now, I'm back to waiting. Waiting to see what's next. Waiting to see what God has in store. No more of me trying to do it, but rather giving Him control.