We received word on Saturday morning that a dear friend of ours had left this world and gone to be with her Heavenly Father. She had fallen and broken her hip nearly a month ago, and in very similar circumstances to my grandfather, had been in ICU on a ventilator.
For the past couple of days, I've been reading on Facebook what others have posted about her influence in their lives. One sweet friend talked about the ripple-effect that her prayers and life had. Another spoke of the five couples who are now serving in ministry positions because of her influence. I have tried to count them up, and I think I get six--Brian and Tiff; Josh and Erin; Eric and Donnell; Keith and Shawn; Alex and Nichole; Bryan and myself. I did not attend the church where Mrs. Pat attended, but I do remember her smiling face being at many, many youth camps that I attended. She had a heart for generations younger than her, and she faithfully served as a teacher and mentor to many girls my age.
The thought that continues to run through my mind though has to do with that ripple-effect. You see, Pat's youngest son and my husband were best friends. Bryan was raised in the Catholic church, but Pat's son John invited him to go to church with their family. I am certain that Mrs. Pat prayed for my husband's salvation, and as a result of her family's influence in his life, he became a Christian at the age of 14. He continued to attend church with this family and later on his own. Had it not been for the prayers of this godly woman, my husband may not have become the man he is today.
But the ripple goes farther than that. Because the churches we both attended years ago participated in events and activities together, we came to know each other, dated, and of course, ultimately married. And now we are raising our two girls to know and love the Lord. So Mrs. Pat's influence didn't stop with Bryan. It continues to move outward to our little family, and in time, it will move to the lives that our daughters touch. What a legacy!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
It's Been Way Too Long...
Believe it or not, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth! And even more unbelievable is the fact that I have wanted to post many, many things over the last three months, but it just hasn't happened. It's amazing how much of my time is consumed by two little people! This evening though Lily Ana is asleep in the swing and Em is watching Tinkerbell.
I keep calling into the living room to ask Emma Leigh if she's asleep and her reply each time is, "Yes..." I can just see the sparkle that I know is there in her eyes when she says it. She has become quite the little comedienne. I'm sure I don't know where she gets that from being Bryan Rasco's daughter and all! She is telling jokes right and left now. Her latest favorite is..."What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel, and Clifford? HOT DIGGETY DOG!" And even though we've now heard it at least 672 times, we still laugh because her sense of humor is so genuine and that sparkle in her gigantic, beautiful brown eyes just makes us melt. She's becoming so independent and more and more determined to be her own little person each day!
My sweet little Lily Ana is growing and changing too. She is nearly seven months old, and she has two cute, sharp little teeth right smack dab in the middle on the bottom. She laughs all the time, and her countenance visibly changes when she sees her big sister! One evening last week while we ate dinner, she sat playing in her bouncy seat near the table. As she was cooing and blowing very wet bubbles, I looked at her and said, "Where's Daddy?" She immediately turned and looked across the table at Bryan. He then said, "Where's Mommy?" and she turned back to me. I couldn't resist and said, "Where's your sister? Where's Emmie?" Without hesitation, she turned to face Emma Leigh. All three of us squealed with delight!
What a blessing these two girls are to us! During the month of January--Sanctity of Human Life Month--I thought a lot about how God so perfectly chose these two lives to become part of mine and Bryan's lives. Before He formed the universe, He knew that they would be grafted into our family. In January I listened to the two-day Focus on the Family radio programs about Abby Johnson, the Planned Parenthood director from Bryan/College Station whose life was transformed during the 40 Days for Life campaign in 2009. Focus on the Family also aired the unforgettable story of Jacqueline Ivel who tearfully shared her story of nearly being persuaded, as a young teen, to have a partial-birth abortion but chose instead to give birth and parent her child.
I've never considered myself to be much of an activist. Oh, I have opinions--strong ones. And I am outspoken, but I've not ever acted much on my convictions. I have always been straightforward with people concerning my pro-life stance, but it struck me during the month of January that as the mother of two precious lives, I should be doing more to spread the word that adoption is the most wonderful option for a birthmom who is not yet ready to parent her unborn child.
Every day I am able to gaze into the eyes of my two daughters and see bright futures because of birthmoms who chose to give them life. I am able to listen to the giggles and coos of these two beautiful girls because their birthmoms chose what did not come easy. They could have taken the "safe, easy" way out, but they chose to carry to term the life growing inside of them. They chose to endure labor and delivery of a child they knew they would not hold each day. Through deep, unselfish devotion, they chose to give life to their children.
I was looking at Emma Leigh this morning in church as she slept on my lap. I traced my finger along her dark eyebrows and ran my knuckles down her thick hairline. She looks nothing like I do, but never has there been a moment during her lifetime that I have considered her anything but my child--a gift of love to me when her birthmom chose life for her.
Then at the end of this morning's service we watched a video about the 40 Days for Life campaign that starts this week. I could sense God speaking to me about being a part of this. I don't know yet what part I'll play, but I know God wants me to do more. I am going to be seeking His plan for me. Pray about how He would have you be a part of the miracle of adoption!
I keep calling into the living room to ask Emma Leigh if she's asleep and her reply each time is, "Yes..." I can just see the sparkle that I know is there in her eyes when she says it. She has become quite the little comedienne. I'm sure I don't know where she gets that from being Bryan Rasco's daughter and all! She is telling jokes right and left now. Her latest favorite is..."What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel, and Clifford? HOT DIGGETY DOG!" And even though we've now heard it at least 672 times, we still laugh because her sense of humor is so genuine and that sparkle in her gigantic, beautiful brown eyes just makes us melt. She's becoming so independent and more and more determined to be her own little person each day!
My sweet little Lily Ana is growing and changing too. She is nearly seven months old, and she has two cute, sharp little teeth right smack dab in the middle on the bottom. She laughs all the time, and her countenance visibly changes when she sees her big sister! One evening last week while we ate dinner, she sat playing in her bouncy seat near the table. As she was cooing and blowing very wet bubbles, I looked at her and said, "Where's Daddy?" She immediately turned and looked across the table at Bryan. He then said, "Where's Mommy?" and she turned back to me. I couldn't resist and said, "Where's your sister? Where's Emmie?" Without hesitation, she turned to face Emma Leigh. All three of us squealed with delight!
What a blessing these two girls are to us! During the month of January--Sanctity of Human Life Month--I thought a lot about how God so perfectly chose these two lives to become part of mine and Bryan's lives. Before He formed the universe, He knew that they would be grafted into our family. In January I listened to the two-day Focus on the Family radio programs about Abby Johnson, the Planned Parenthood director from Bryan/College Station whose life was transformed during the 40 Days for Life campaign in 2009. Focus on the Family also aired the unforgettable story of Jacqueline Ivel who tearfully shared her story of nearly being persuaded, as a young teen, to have a partial-birth abortion but chose instead to give birth and parent her child.
I've never considered myself to be much of an activist. Oh, I have opinions--strong ones. And I am outspoken, but I've not ever acted much on my convictions. I have always been straightforward with people concerning my pro-life stance, but it struck me during the month of January that as the mother of two precious lives, I should be doing more to spread the word that adoption is the most wonderful option for a birthmom who is not yet ready to parent her unborn child.
Every day I am able to gaze into the eyes of my two daughters and see bright futures because of birthmoms who chose to give them life. I am able to listen to the giggles and coos of these two beautiful girls because their birthmoms chose what did not come easy. They could have taken the "safe, easy" way out, but they chose to carry to term the life growing inside of them. They chose to endure labor and delivery of a child they knew they would not hold each day. Through deep, unselfish devotion, they chose to give life to their children.
I was looking at Emma Leigh this morning in church as she slept on my lap. I traced my finger along her dark eyebrows and ran my knuckles down her thick hairline. She looks nothing like I do, but never has there been a moment during her lifetime that I have considered her anything but my child--a gift of love to me when her birthmom chose life for her.
Then at the end of this morning's service we watched a video about the 40 Days for Life campaign that starts this week. I could sense God speaking to me about being a part of this. I don't know yet what part I'll play, but I know God wants me to do more. I am going to be seeking His plan for me. Pray about how He would have you be a part of the miracle of adoption!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
What Adoption Is
Six years ago this month, Bryan and I were at the end of a 5 year infertility journey, and we were beginning a much longer, often more difficult, journey into adoption. Through this journey we have learned so much and have had our faith shaken and strengthened, shaken and strengthened over and over again.
Before we began this journey of ours, we often looked at adoption and shook our heads. Like many of you, we saw pictures of orphanages in foreign countries, and we thought, "What a tragedy?" We thought of birthmoms and wondered, "How could a mother give her child up? How could she just give her child away?" We have come to discover though that this is not even close to what it's about. Adoption is so much more. It's about a birthmom giving her child life--giving her child more. It's about her making a selfless choice to allow someone else to raise her child and call that child their own. It's about sacrificing her desires for the well-being of her child.
And we've learned much more about adoption. When we brought Emma Leigh home from the hospital we felt like we knew her inside and out, and we joyfully came home late that Sunday night to a houseful of family and smiles and gloriously happy tears. With Lily Ana though, we've learned that adoption isn't always a joyful experience. When we brought her home, we carried a grieving baby who we'd known less than two hours into our home. We saw loss and sadness in her eyes as she searched for anything familiar--faces, sounds, smells, and most of all her birthmother.
Adoption is coming to love a child that isn't your own flesh and blood and DNA. It's wondering how you could love another child any more than you love the one given to you. It's forgetting that this child wasn't formed inside you and grieving for the loss of never knowing what it will be like to carry life in your womb.
And then we've learned that adoption is waiting and waiting and waiting some more. It's waiting for God to give you the heart for adoption. It's waiting for Him to give a birthmom a baby that she loves but knows she can't care for. It's waiting for a birthmom to choose your family to love and nurture her baby. It's waiting for the child to be born. It's waiting for the birthmom to make her final decision. It's waiting for the child to recognize you as her mother. It's waiting for God to do His amazing work of grafting that child into your family just as He so graciously does with us. Adoption is a perfect picture of what the Lord has done for us in selflessly giving His son for us. Through Jesus Christ, God has grafted us into His family.
Despite the pain, grief, and loss felt with it, adoption is a miracle. The birth of any child is a miracle, but knowing that God has specifically chosen these children of ours to be ours, is even more of a miracle. He has placed Emma Leigh and Lily Ana into our lives for a purpose. He has chosen these two children out of many, many others. We are honored to be their parents and pray each day that God will give us the strength, wisdom, and knowledge to raise them to be godly young women. November is Adoption Awareness Month, and I hope that you will allow God to speak to you about what part you will have in the miracle of adoption.
Before we began this journey of ours, we often looked at adoption and shook our heads. Like many of you, we saw pictures of orphanages in foreign countries, and we thought, "What a tragedy?" We thought of birthmoms and wondered, "How could a mother give her child up? How could she just give her child away?" We have come to discover though that this is not even close to what it's about. Adoption is so much more. It's about a birthmom giving her child life--giving her child more. It's about her making a selfless choice to allow someone else to raise her child and call that child their own. It's about sacrificing her desires for the well-being of her child.
And we've learned much more about adoption. When we brought Emma Leigh home from the hospital we felt like we knew her inside and out, and we joyfully came home late that Sunday night to a houseful of family and smiles and gloriously happy tears. With Lily Ana though, we've learned that adoption isn't always a joyful experience. When we brought her home, we carried a grieving baby who we'd known less than two hours into our home. We saw loss and sadness in her eyes as she searched for anything familiar--faces, sounds, smells, and most of all her birthmother.
Adoption is coming to love a child that isn't your own flesh and blood and DNA. It's wondering how you could love another child any more than you love the one given to you. It's forgetting that this child wasn't formed inside you and grieving for the loss of never knowing what it will be like to carry life in your womb.
And then we've learned that adoption is waiting and waiting and waiting some more. It's waiting for God to give you the heart for adoption. It's waiting for Him to give a birthmom a baby that she loves but knows she can't care for. It's waiting for a birthmom to choose your family to love and nurture her baby. It's waiting for the child to be born. It's waiting for the birthmom to make her final decision. It's waiting for the child to recognize you as her mother. It's waiting for God to do His amazing work of grafting that child into your family just as He so graciously does with us. Adoption is a perfect picture of what the Lord has done for us in selflessly giving His son for us. Through Jesus Christ, God has grafted us into His family.
Despite the pain, grief, and loss felt with it, adoption is a miracle. The birth of any child is a miracle, but knowing that God has specifically chosen these children of ours to be ours, is even more of a miracle. He has placed Emma Leigh and Lily Ana into our lives for a purpose. He has chosen these two children out of many, many others. We are honored to be their parents and pray each day that God will give us the strength, wisdom, and knowledge to raise them to be godly young women. November is Adoption Awareness Month, and I hope that you will allow God to speak to you about what part you will have in the miracle of adoption.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
My Little Girl is Turning 5!
Tomorrow Emma Leigh will turn five years old. Five years ago tonight Bryan and I were sitting in a hospital enjoying the time we had with Em's birth family. We would not trade that time for ANYTHING. Twenty-four hours later, we--well, me because Bryan had to suddenly leave the room--got to watch as our first baby girl entered the world. We heard her cry before we ever saw her, and the moment I laid eyes on her I knew my life would never be the same. The nurse carried her to the warmer, did the first APGAR, and then asked if I wanted to carry her to the nursery. What an amazing moment to be the first one to hold her. Tears streamed down my face as I walked from the operating room to the nursery of that small hospital. I stood in amazement as the nurse weighed her and measured her length. Six pounds, five ounces and already she'd made her home in my heart. Fall is my absolute favorite time of year and it's mostly because of what God did during those five days we spent at the hospital before, during, and after Emma Leigh's birth. Check out last year's blog for more on that.
This year, as I was wrapping her birthday presents and writing in her card, I was overwhelmed with the beauty and talent God has blessed this little girl with. She has strikingly dark eyes that sparkle when she smiles, and her smile...it's so full of life and innocence. She can laugh and giggle until she is out of breath, and God has given her an amazing artistic ability. Our pediatrician even thinks she's "gifted" in this area--his words not mine. She can see things that I can't begin to. She is a wonderful big sister and has loved Lily Ana from the moment she laid eyes on her. She has many nicknames for her baby sister including Cupcake, Lillers, and Silly Ana. Emma Leigh is full of adoring affection for Lily Ana.
And despite the fact that her DNA contains none of my DNA she is incredibly like me! She makes facial expressions that I do; she says things that sound just like me; and she asks some of the same questions that I remember asking as a little girl. She wants to know how and why and when and where. But most of all, she sounds like me when she prays. What a humbling experience to hear your child pray and know that she is emulating what she hears!My prayer for her is this..."Lord, grow her into a godly young lady who loves and fears you. Help her to make choices that are pleasing to you, and use her for your service."
I love you Emma Leigh! Happy 5th Birthday!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
The Power of Intercession
WHEW! Whoever said going from one child to two children was like going from one to ten was wrong! It's like having 20! I haven't posted in a while, and the aforementioned twenty children would be the cause.
We have really struggled. Lily Ana has reflux, so we've spent many evenings holding a screaming baby; we've had many sleepless nights; and we're feeding cereal to a two month old so that she'll get all of the Prevacid ready-tab she's taking twice each day. We've wondered what happened to the baby we prayed for who coos and smiles and sleeps all night. We've wondered if she knows us; if she realizes we're her family. She tends to be very solemn most of the time, and at her two-month check up the nurse said, "O.K. So she's smiling and cooing now...?" And I had to say sadly, "No..." Dr. Mac reminded me that she was a preemie and that the reflux probably is causing a lot of discomfort. He said if she isn't smiling and cooing by four months, he'll want her to see a specialist to check for any delays. (GIANT SIGH) As if I don't have enough to worry about as a Mom!
My mom is so wonderful to call and check up on her granddaughters. One evening about three weeks ago when she called, Lily Ana was screaming. She was inconsolable. Nothing calmed her. She had a full tummy, dry diaper, calming lotion, and warm socks! Knowing that I couldn't talk on the phone, Mom quickly told me she loved me and reminded me that she and Dad pray for us every day. It felt so good to be reminded that my parents take the time to pray for my family. After we hung up I began thinking about my own quiet times with God. They have become so brief, and honestly, there have been days that I am so tired and so discouraged that I have not been able to pray.
Then last week I talked with one of the case workers at our wonderful adoption agency. Sara has been our case worker with both of our girls' adoptions, and she is a matter-of-fact, down-to-earth lady. I had called her a few days before to set up our three-month meeting with her at New Life, and she was returning my call. It had been an especially rough day, and I was feeling very low. She asked how I was, and I began pouring out my heart to her. She was so understanding and her words so comforting to me. Before we hung up I asked her to please pray for me, and she assured me that she would.
The very next day I began to feel such peace. Lily Ana had begun smiling little smiles and making soft little sounds, but in the last week she has begun smiling so much. And I love the quiet moments where she makes tiny little sounds that I know are her way of communicating love to me. Her little personality is really beginning to develop, and I'm soaking it all up. I have yet to get a GOOD picture of it, but I've gotten a little glimpse to share.
Over the weekend, we got to get away for a few days. We all four went to San Antonio and to Sea World. As we traveled, I thought about the prayers that had been lifted up for my family and me. I felt like I really understood intercession. People who cared about me had prayed on my behalf. They had prayed for my needs at a time when I couldn't. What a blessing to be loved so dearly by family and friends, but what a bigger blessing to be loved by the Creator God!
We have really struggled. Lily Ana has reflux, so we've spent many evenings holding a screaming baby; we've had many sleepless nights; and we're feeding cereal to a two month old so that she'll get all of the Prevacid ready-tab she's taking twice each day. We've wondered what happened to the baby we prayed for who coos and smiles and sleeps all night. We've wondered if she knows us; if she realizes we're her family. She tends to be very solemn most of the time, and at her two-month check up the nurse said, "O.K. So she's smiling and cooing now...?" And I had to say sadly, "No..." Dr. Mac reminded me that she was a preemie and that the reflux probably is causing a lot of discomfort. He said if she isn't smiling and cooing by four months, he'll want her to see a specialist to check for any delays. (GIANT SIGH) As if I don't have enough to worry about as a Mom!
My mom is so wonderful to call and check up on her granddaughters. One evening about three weeks ago when she called, Lily Ana was screaming. She was inconsolable. Nothing calmed her. She had a full tummy, dry diaper, calming lotion, and warm socks! Knowing that I couldn't talk on the phone, Mom quickly told me she loved me and reminded me that she and Dad pray for us every day. It felt so good to be reminded that my parents take the time to pray for my family. After we hung up I began thinking about my own quiet times with God. They have become so brief, and honestly, there have been days that I am so tired and so discouraged that I have not been able to pray.
Then last week I talked with one of the case workers at our wonderful adoption agency. Sara has been our case worker with both of our girls' adoptions, and she is a matter-of-fact, down-to-earth lady. I had called her a few days before to set up our three-month meeting with her at New Life, and she was returning my call. It had been an especially rough day, and I was feeling very low. She asked how I was, and I began pouring out my heart to her. She was so understanding and her words so comforting to me. Before we hung up I asked her to please pray for me, and she assured me that she would.
The very next day I began to feel such peace. Lily Ana had begun smiling little smiles and making soft little sounds, but in the last week she has begun smiling so much. And I love the quiet moments where she makes tiny little sounds that I know are her way of communicating love to me. Her little personality is really beginning to develop, and I'm soaking it all up. I have yet to get a GOOD picture of it, but I've gotten a little glimpse to share.
Over the weekend, we got to get away for a few days. We all four went to San Antonio and to Sea World. As we traveled, I thought about the prayers that had been lifted up for my family and me. I felt like I really understood intercession. People who cared about me had prayed on my behalf. They had prayed for my needs at a time when I couldn't. What a blessing to be loved so dearly by family and friends, but what a bigger blessing to be loved by the Creator God!
Friday, September 4, 2009
The Ties that Bind
What a roller coaster of emotions we've experienced the last month and a half! Just when we got to the top of a hill, we came plunging down only to twist and turn and climb and fall some more! We've experienced joy and grief--the top and the bottom of the roller coaster and everything in between! And some days, it's all come at the same time!
Adoption itself is a roller coaster ride! When we brought Lily Ana home from New Life back in July, I was honestly in a state of shock. I couldn't cry; I couldn't laugh; I couldn't do much of anything. I kept looking at this little stranger thinking, "Is this for real? Is this really what we've been waiting all this time for?" I didn't feel the instant connection with Lily Ana that I remembered feeling with Emma Leigh. Things were so different. At the point that we first laid eyes on Lily Ana, we had already been with Emma Leigh and her birth family for four full days!
It seemed so strange to be bringing home this little helpless person who we didn't know and who didn't know us! I saw grief in her eyes. I saw grief in the way she wouldn't look into our eyes. I felt her grief for her birhthmom whose voice she had come to know as comforting but no longer heard. It was strange to know that someone this tiny at just a month old was experiencing an emotion that some go their whole lives without knowing.
Even I had never experienced grief the way that my own child was experiencing. I had never lost anyone close to me. Sure I had friends who had moved away and saw other friends grieve over deaths of loved ones. And I know I shared in the grief that Emma Leigh's birthmom felt during the days that we spent with her at the hospital. But to grieve over the death of someone close to me was foreign, something I had never experienced. Until last week that is.
My Grandpa Grimes fell and broke his leg the day that Lily Ana turned one week old. I had taken her the day before to meet him and Grandma, and I'm so thankful that I did. He held her and looked at her toes and said, "Hello Little One," in that sweet drawl of his. He was nervous about holding her because he hadn't been feeling well and was pretty weak. I stood very close to him, and assured him that she was safe in his arms.
My mom was at the house the next day when the call came that Grandpa had fallen and was being taken by ambulance to the hospital. They thought he'd broken one or perhaps both hips. Something inside of me knew right then that Grandpa would never come home. Each winter he was one of the elderly most at risk for contracting the flu and pneumonia, but God continued to give him health, healing, and life. I knew though that if he ever got down, he probably wouldn't make it back up.
The next days were a whirlwind of tests to see if his heart was strong enough to withstand surgery on the broken femur just below the hip joint. In doing these tests, doctors determined he had 100 percent blockage in the major artery on the right side of his neck which accounted for the weakness, dizziness, and fainting he'd experienced in the days before his fall. Surgery would have to be done on this before it could be done on the leg, and it would have to be done quickly.
Following the surgery, he was placed in ICU. Over the next week, he was placed on life support and a feeding tube, and we thought for sure each day would be his last. He did have the surgery on his leg, and had to receive several units of blood afterward. He was eventually moved from the hospital to a long-term care facility nearby where it is believed he aspirated and the pneumonia in his lungs continued to get worse. We were all called in one morning because his breathing had become so poor and oxygen levels so low that the long-term care facility had rushed him back to the hospital.
He was readmitted to ICU, placed back on life support and a feeding tube, and the next days were filled with difficult decisions. The nurses seemed to be more optimistic than things appeared, and on the morning of August 24th, Grandma decided that he'd been through enough. She wanted the ventilator removed. After doing this, his feeding tube was moved from his nose to his mouth and was moved to a regular room where he would be made comfortable, and we could wait for the inevitable. Sometime that day, he became more alert and asked that the feeding tube be taken out of his throat because it was so irritating to him. He began talking to those that were there, and he was awake almost the entire day. My aunt even fed him a small amount of pudding after he asked, "Where's my supper?" Many of us got to go see him and talk with him. I was one of those and will cherish that little bit of time I got to see him that evening.
That night the nurses gave him something to help him relax and go to sleep. He never woke up. The next day his breathing became more and more labored, and that evening most of my family gathered at the hospital to say goodbye to the patriarch of our family. We cried lots of tears, and I especially was heartbroken when Emma Leigh said to him, "Bye Grandpa. I love you." It was very hard to leave that night knowing that we would probably never see him alive again.
Early the next morning, my mom called to tell me that he had gone to be with Jesus just after midnight. The next few days were filled with family and tears. We spent time at my Grandma's house and at the funeral home, and I grieved quietly for the Grandpa that I'd lost. I sat and rocked my little Lily Ana and clung to both of my girls. I recalled wonderful memories of the Grandpa that I loved so much. I heard his voice say to me, "Well hello, Hayley," in his sweet, soft, calming drawl.
His funeral was amazing! The service began with Bryan singing "The Anchor Holds." In the days since, I have realized that Grandpa was a lot like that anchor in the song. He was such a rock in my life. He was constant and steady. He was always there. Our family was very close because of the love that he and Grandma had for each other and for each of us. They are the tie that binds us all together.
And in the days since the funeral, I have come to look at Lily Ana differently. I don't see her as a stranger now. I see her as a little tiny person who needs me and who depends on me for her every need to be met. We have a bond that cannot be broken. And just like Grandpa was a rock in my life--a constant steadiness--she needs that from me. It seems strange, but I now realize grief has bound us together. It took me experiencing loss to feel love for my sweet little baby. What a gift!
Adoption itself is a roller coaster ride! When we brought Lily Ana home from New Life back in July, I was honestly in a state of shock. I couldn't cry; I couldn't laugh; I couldn't do much of anything. I kept looking at this little stranger thinking, "Is this for real? Is this really what we've been waiting all this time for?" I didn't feel the instant connection with Lily Ana that I remembered feeling with Emma Leigh. Things were so different. At the point that we first laid eyes on Lily Ana, we had already been with Emma Leigh and her birth family for four full days!
It seemed so strange to be bringing home this little helpless person who we didn't know and who didn't know us! I saw grief in her eyes. I saw grief in the way she wouldn't look into our eyes. I felt her grief for her birhthmom whose voice she had come to know as comforting but no longer heard. It was strange to know that someone this tiny at just a month old was experiencing an emotion that some go their whole lives without knowing.
Even I had never experienced grief the way that my own child was experiencing. I had never lost anyone close to me. Sure I had friends who had moved away and saw other friends grieve over deaths of loved ones. And I know I shared in the grief that Emma Leigh's birthmom felt during the days that we spent with her at the hospital. But to grieve over the death of someone close to me was foreign, something I had never experienced. Until last week that is.
My Grandpa Grimes fell and broke his leg the day that Lily Ana turned one week old. I had taken her the day before to meet him and Grandma, and I'm so thankful that I did. He held her and looked at her toes and said, "Hello Little One," in that sweet drawl of his. He was nervous about holding her because he hadn't been feeling well and was pretty weak. I stood very close to him, and assured him that she was safe in his arms.
My mom was at the house the next day when the call came that Grandpa had fallen and was being taken by ambulance to the hospital. They thought he'd broken one or perhaps both hips. Something inside of me knew right then that Grandpa would never come home. Each winter he was one of the elderly most at risk for contracting the flu and pneumonia, but God continued to give him health, healing, and life. I knew though that if he ever got down, he probably wouldn't make it back up.
The next days were a whirlwind of tests to see if his heart was strong enough to withstand surgery on the broken femur just below the hip joint. In doing these tests, doctors determined he had 100 percent blockage in the major artery on the right side of his neck which accounted for the weakness, dizziness, and fainting he'd experienced in the days before his fall. Surgery would have to be done on this before it could be done on the leg, and it would have to be done quickly.
Following the surgery, he was placed in ICU. Over the next week, he was placed on life support and a feeding tube, and we thought for sure each day would be his last. He did have the surgery on his leg, and had to receive several units of blood afterward. He was eventually moved from the hospital to a long-term care facility nearby where it is believed he aspirated and the pneumonia in his lungs continued to get worse. We were all called in one morning because his breathing had become so poor and oxygen levels so low that the long-term care facility had rushed him back to the hospital.
He was readmitted to ICU, placed back on life support and a feeding tube, and the next days were filled with difficult decisions. The nurses seemed to be more optimistic than things appeared, and on the morning of August 24th, Grandma decided that he'd been through enough. She wanted the ventilator removed. After doing this, his feeding tube was moved from his nose to his mouth and was moved to a regular room where he would be made comfortable, and we could wait for the inevitable. Sometime that day, he became more alert and asked that the feeding tube be taken out of his throat because it was so irritating to him. He began talking to those that were there, and he was awake almost the entire day. My aunt even fed him a small amount of pudding after he asked, "Where's my supper?" Many of us got to go see him and talk with him. I was one of those and will cherish that little bit of time I got to see him that evening.
That night the nurses gave him something to help him relax and go to sleep. He never woke up. The next day his breathing became more and more labored, and that evening most of my family gathered at the hospital to say goodbye to the patriarch of our family. We cried lots of tears, and I especially was heartbroken when Emma Leigh said to him, "Bye Grandpa. I love you." It was very hard to leave that night knowing that we would probably never see him alive again.
Early the next morning, my mom called to tell me that he had gone to be with Jesus just after midnight. The next few days were filled with family and tears. We spent time at my Grandma's house and at the funeral home, and I grieved quietly for the Grandpa that I'd lost. I sat and rocked my little Lily Ana and clung to both of my girls. I recalled wonderful memories of the Grandpa that I loved so much. I heard his voice say to me, "Well hello, Hayley," in his sweet, soft, calming drawl.
His funeral was amazing! The service began with Bryan singing "The Anchor Holds." In the days since, I have realized that Grandpa was a lot like that anchor in the song. He was such a rock in my life. He was constant and steady. He was always there. Our family was very close because of the love that he and Grandma had for each other and for each of us. They are the tie that binds us all together.
And in the days since the funeral, I have come to look at Lily Ana differently. I don't see her as a stranger now. I see her as a little tiny person who needs me and who depends on me for her every need to be met. We have a bond that cannot be broken. And just like Grandpa was a rock in my life--a constant steadiness--she needs that from me. It seems strange, but I now realize grief has bound us together. It took me experiencing loss to feel love for my sweet little baby. What a gift!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
It's Been Three Weeks...
Tomorrow Lily Ana will be three weeks old, and yes, we are extremely sleep-deprived! We are falling more and more in love with her everyday, and her big sister is so sweet to her.
Em was explaining to me why she likes the show "3, 2, 1 Penguins," and we began discussing that the two human characters are twins. She wanted to know what twins were, and I explained that they were brothers or sisters who were in their mommy's tummy at the same time. She got a big smile and said, "I was in a birthmom's tummy and so was Lily Ana!" I realized what a connection the two of them will have because they were both "in a birthmom's tummy!" God is good!
Em was explaining to me why she likes the show "3, 2, 1 Penguins," and we began discussing that the two human characters are twins. She wanted to know what twins were, and I explained that they were brothers or sisters who were in their mommy's tummy at the same time. She got a big smile and said, "I was in a birthmom's tummy and so was Lily Ana!" I realized what a connection the two of them will have because they were both "in a birthmom's tummy!" God is good!
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